It’s a Sunday morning. I am sitting in bed, in someone else's house. This is not how I ever imagined my life to look in my 50s!
I'm not visiting, this is my home, but I don't own or rent this or any property. There's no partner by my side; just my housemates - an elderly relative and a cat. I have no meaningful career, or even a paid job. No social life, as such. No car. No assets.
"But, I am happy."
I could be happier, I have been happier. But, I've also been suicidal in the past and I am very far from that today!
"Why am I here? Why does me life look like this? Where did it all go wrong?"
Often I have to stop my mind from ruminating on “Why am I here? Why does my life look like this? Where did it all go wrong? What should my life look like? How many crossroads brought me to this exact point in my life? How many of those roads did I actually choose to go down? And how many did I have no control over whatsoever?”
The only possible answer is - “Too many to count, leaving many different versions of a life I might have lived.” And that is true for everyone!
"This life is my life now, this is the only life I have."
But, I am living the life that I was meant to live. This life is my life now, this is the only life I have. My past is the only past I have; I can't change it, no matter how much I want to. I can let regrets and grief eat me up, or I can choose to make the best of what I have right now, at this moment in time. My future is just waiting to be written!
How did I get here?
Over a decade ago, a virus kick-started a roller-coaster of symptoms, health problems, hospital appointments, tests, scans and diagnoses. It completely blind-sided me and changed the course of my life. After years of living and coping (ish) alone, I came to live with an elderly relative. With a view to us propping each other up.
Now, all these years later, I am still ill, but I have learned various different ways to cope, to manage my various symptoms and to look after my mental health better.
There have been tears, anger, denial, grief, regret, despair, loneliness, broken relationships, disappointment and lost dreams. At times I have been very, very bitter and sad. Occasionally I still am. But I find contentment and peace to be much better companions, if a little hard to find at times!
Why have started this blog?
I have started this blog partly for myself, but also for YOU! Writing a blog and documenting my journey is something I’ve wanted to do for along time, to enable me to see the progress that I have made. But also to share all the things that I have learned over the years, things that help me to manage my symptoms, improving my overall wellness and well-being and enabling me to keep on a more even keel (most of the time).
This blog will be where I shall share my illness insights with you. I hope, in time, that you will also share your illness insights with me!
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