Fatigue has always been my number one enemy, despite being in constant pain. Why? Because, unlike the pain, there is no medication that can dial the fatigue down a bit and, to a certain extent, it's possible to push through the pain. But oh the fatigue, it can drag you down like quick sand!
“.. it's taken my independence, my choices, my freedom, sometimes even my privacy and dignity.”
“Fatigue always holds me back … sometimes it even stops me from being able to read a book or to string a coherent sentence together”
The fatigue always holds me back, just by differing amounts each day. Sometimes it stops me leaving the house to have fun or to run errands. Sometimes it stops me from doing household chores, catching up with a friend on the phone or cooking a simple meal. Sometimes it stops me from showering and getting dressed. Sometimes it even stops me from being able to read a book or to string a coherent sentence together. But it always makes me choose between those things. Often only allowing me to do one of these activities in a day.
Fatigue has been the main instigator in the theft of my life. The life I had. The life I wanted. The life I hoped I'd have. Sometimes it feels like it's taken my independence, my choices, my freedom, sometimes even my privacy and dignity. It's taken away so many days from me, days that I have to spend just resting. Days I could have spent doing something useful, fun or productive.
Seeing fatigue as a foe is quite justified then. right?
But, recently I've started to recognise that fatigue isn't necessarily the enemy, I could instead view it as my friend, my protector. It looks after me.
Just bear with me and consider this….
"Fatigue is one of the body's many messengers."
When I remember to listen to my body I realise that it is communicating its needs to me all the time. Fatigue is one of the body's many messengers. It is telling me I’ve done too much, even if I think I should be doing more! If I ignore that and push on, the fatigue just ramps up, the pain ramps up and other symptoms also come in. My heart will race, my temperature will go up, I start to feel nauseous and, if I still don’t heed all these warnings, a migraine will present itself with a vengeance. Then it’s like my body is saying “Ha! Try ignoring THAT message! That should stop you and make you rest for a while!”
“Living with chronic pain and fatigue is bad enough, why add to it layer by layer”
But, if I listen to the fatigue and pace myself carefully, I don’t always suffer all of these extra symptoms. Living with chronic pain and fatigue is bad enough, why add to it layer by layer?
Yes, sometimes we have no choice but to push on and through, some things are just beyond our control. But there are others that we convince ourselves we must do. Yet, in reality, we don’t. We must be honest with ourselves.
“I generally laugh at myself and my unrealistic expectations!”
Before I go to bed, I often write a list of things that I want, must or feel I must accomplish the next day. When I get up the following day, I assess how my night was, check in with my body (generally through meditation), and see how it’s feeling and what it needs that day.
Then I will look at my to do list, and I generally laugh at myself and my unrealistic expectations!
Then it's time to assess which items on my list:
- are time sensitive and must be done that day
- can be left for another day
- can and should be delegated to someone else
- are low in time & energy, but weighing heavy on my mind, so will give me a boost to get done
- are unrealistic to do that day with my current pain and energy levels
- are beneficial to my self-care and therefore vital that day (yes, these should very much be on your list!)
This usually shortens my job list to a much more achievable level. When I say job list, some days mine might just end up something like:
- Have a shower and put on clean clothes
- Reschedule dentist appointment
- Meditate
I find having a list like that, even on the bad days, helps me to feel I have accomplished something that day. There is great satisfaction in crossing things off and getting to the end of the day knowing you’ve completed that days (modified) job list.
On the worst days, when the only thing that is vital is self-care it might be:
- Meditate
- Keep hydrated
“... stoicism is a necessity with chronic illness!”
Sometimes I realise something has been consistently taken from my list day after day, and moved to my mental “tomorrow, next week or next month” list. That’s when I take stock and realise that it’s either simply not that important to me to ever get done, was something unnecessary and didn’t really need doing, or was something that at that stage of my health journey was an unrealistic expectation on my part. A hard pill to swallow, but stoicism is a necessity with chronic illness!
"If I listen to the fatigue and my body in the first place, I can often prevent myself layers and layers of more fatigue and pain."
Fatigue, in my case, is the reason for all of these daily choices, e.g. “shall I have a shower or cook a nutritious meal from scratch?” But isn’t the fatigue largely there to prevent us doing more damage to ourselves? The same could be said about pain! I could get angry and hate the fatigue, thus using up more precious energy. Or, I can accept it and be grateful that it’s slowing me down before I do too much.
This is how I’m trying to see it at the moment anyway. If I listen to the fatigue and my body in the first place, I can often prevent myself layers and layers of more fatigue and pain. And therefore also days, weeks or even months of recovery from pushing myself too hard.
“and i said to my body. softly. ‘i want to be your friend.’ it took a long breath. and replied ‘i have been waiting my whole life for this.”
― Nayyirah Waheed
For both my physical and mental health, I feel it is better to do less things on more days, than push myself too hard and then not be able to do anything for days or even weeks, while my body recovers. This doesn’t mean I don’t ever push myself, but I have to consider if the payback is worth it, and sometimes it is!
Does it sound like I’m giving in? I hope not, I don’t want the fatigue, I wish I could get rid of it entirely. But, I can’t fight it and I can’t make it go away by sticking my head in the sand. I feel that maybe for now, for my sanity, acceptance is the key.
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